Can it be done? Can all the intricate ins and outs (ahem…) from the plot of Fifty Shades of Grey be summed up in 50 tweets? That’s only 7,000 characters guys – including banana emojis and winky faces.

Our roving reporter gave it her best shot. She roved all the way to the première (under great duress, it has to be said) and sat there for two hours as Jamie Dornan took his shirt off again, and again, and again…