IF I were a murderer, which at the time of writing I’m not, I’d be booking my holidays in Midsomer.

With DCI Tom Barnaby out of the way, would-be killers will have a pretty decent chance of escaping detection for their heinous crimes.

Barnaby has solved hundreds of murders in his 13-year 81-episode stint in the country’s death capital.

But following the retirement of actor John Nettles, a man who has barely changed facial expression from the permanently surprised, Tom has been put to rest.

The good folk of a county that makes Bogota look like a retirement village in Berkshire are now more likely to be worried to death rather than murdered as the affable Barnaby is replaced by his cousin John (Neil Dudgeon) — at least they didn’t give the job to DI Jones.

Generally, the storylines have followed a familiar pattern with someone murdered during an amateur dramatics performance or while jousting at the village spring fair. An unfortunate then discovers who did the dastardly deed and quickly meets their maker, before Barnaby and sidekick (Troy, Scott or Jones) work it all out and arrest the person played by the actor who is the most famous. Always remember, a well-known cast member will either be offed near the end or will be the miscreant.

Anyway, Wednesday’s not very emotional farewell to Tom took him and wife Joyce (Jane Wymark, who we should also spare a thought for as she too must leave) to a health farm where he was supposed to get in shape for a police medical.

Unsurprisingly, things didn’t exactly go to plan and a dispute over rights of way ended up acting as cover for an ultimately deadly debate about an unfinished novel — a whodunnit about a whowroteit, if you will.

Ronni Ancona looked a likely candidate, until she was found dead in the flotation tank. I know you are supposed to relax, but that’s taking it a bit far. Then someone was clobbered by a faulty weights machine and another resident copped it in the tanning booth. Of course, Barnaby, not one for a holiday anyway, got to work and solved the case.

Nettles says his favourite Midsomer murder was carried out by trebuchet — a machine that flings projectiles at high speed — though a tanning booth beating’s not a bad one to go out on.

People often accuse Nettles of not being able to act, but in Midsomer Murders he hasn’t really needed to. At one point at the health farm someone called Cloud suggested Barnaby had his aura read. Not a difficult task, to be honest.

Let’s hope the new DCI John is as laidback as Tom.